I had my baby. She is amazing. I know I'm biased because I made her, but I think she might be a genius. I don't think I understood love until I met her. It's been almost 6 months already. My days consist of breastfeeding, napping, changing diapers, and playing (repeat all 8 to 10 times). It doesn't sound like much, but it's incredibly tiring.
Labour was indescribable. I had a very short but intense birth experience. It was so painful that I really thought I might be dying. I didn't get an epidural. It's not that I didn't want it. I was planning to get it. I had the form filled in and ready to go, but they never got the opportunity to give it to me. I didn't even have the chance to change into a hospital gown. I gave birth in a pajama shirt and no pants. I went from feeling nothing to active labour instantly. The time from active labour to birth was only 3 hours. I feel lucky that it was short. I'm also very glad that I didn't actually have to go through with the induction process. I've heard it's unpleasant. I went in for an induction, but when they hooked me up to the monitors and checked my dilation they told me I didn't need it.
I definitely experienced some baby blues and post partum depression (PPD). It didn't hit me in the way I thought it would. I always thought PPD was not connecting with your child. I didn't realize that that's only one reason for PPD, and that there are many layers to it. I'm blessed in that I felt connected to her instantly. The way that PPD hit me was the constant feeling of failing. I just felt like I was failing her from the moment she was born. I still feel that way even though I'm trying my best. I had difficulty breastfeeding in the beginning. I thought the feeling of failing stemmed from that, but now we're exclusively breastfeeding, and I still feel that way. I just want the best for her, and I don't feel like I'm able to provide her with that. I see my therapist about it, sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. In the same way, some days are easier than others.
I had a lot of anxiety while I was pregnant (my therapist helped a lot during this time). Someone told me that I can't allow myself to feel that way because it effects the baby. For all the pregnant women reading this who have also heard this, it's completely bull$h*t. Thank God, I have a very happy baby and I was completely miserable throughout my whole pregnancy. After the baby was born I was told the same thing, however it was easier to ignore, as I know that I must take care of myself physically and mentally in order to be able to properly care for my daughter. You're allowed to feel things, please don't let people guilt you into thinking otherwise.
Motherhood is hard. Especially when you don't have the right support. I went to stay with my parents and my husband took time off for the first six weeks, but it's incredible how alone you can be in a room full of people. My husband would initially change all the diapers, and I didn't have to cook and clean (because I was at my mother's), which was a huge help too, but I didn't feel supported. I get a lot of support now from my family which is helpful, but initially it was extremely lonely.
I think a lot of the problem is that the world simply does not work like it used to. It would be one thing if I had my village here with me (because it really does take a village), or if I had emotional and physical support around me, but none of that is the case. So most days I feel incredibly overwhelmed. If I had to rank it in terms of difficulty I would say that pregnancy was the hardest and loneliest, then post partum, then birth was the easiest part of it.
My daughter is perfect in every way, and I thank God everyday for her. I also thank God that I didn't have a boy, because as I often said while I was pregnant; I'm just glad I don't have to raise anyone's dusty son, not even my own. If having a baby opened my eyes to anything, it's to how incredibly useless and disappointing men are.
I'm fairly certain I do not want anymore kids, even though my partner does, and despite what people say, I know I won't change my mind. I just don't think I have the needed support for one, so I can't imagine how strained it would become with two. I have some guilt with my decision because maybe Khadijah would want a sister, but I wouldn't be able to give her one. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
I'll be posting candidly about motherhood, like all the (frustrating) unsolicited advice from others, childcare, and effects on relationships (friends, family, partner, and even with myself), to name a few topics. Follow along if you want, or don't, I don't really give a $h*t.
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