Two Truths and a Lie

I knew this day would come. After I had my son, I had my tubes removed. I knew that physically, mentally, and financially, another child was not in the cards for me. I felt really good about the decision at the time, confident. I did it because I also knew that I would want more children, and that I simply do not have the capacity, in any form, to have them. A year has passed since my surgery, and suddenly, I want another baby. I always knew I wanted to be a mom. Even when I was a kid, that was all I wanted,to be a mother, and nothing else. I also knew I wanted a lot of kids. The number in my mind shifted between three and six, but I never liked the idea of four because it felt too conventional, or three because it didn’t feel like enough. I know I am very blessed to have two, but two truths can exist at the same time: I can be grateful for what I have, and I can mourn the children I won’t have. Sometimes I think about different choices I could have made, and how perhaps those choices might have put me in a position to have more children. But then I realize that my kids wouldn’t be my kids, they would be different kids, and that would be a tragedy of its own.

God's Infinite Wisdom

I miss my dad. He's been in the ICU for the past two weeks. They keep telling us he'll never be the same, and the grief I feel from that is unbearable. I can't put into words the magic of my dad, and what I've lost on a day to day basis, even as an adult. I had a son 4.5 months ago that looks just like him, and I keep thinking about how much I want my son to play with him. My daughter got a solid 3 years of laughing at his jumbled up nursery rhymes and teaching him the right words, school bus rides, freshly squeezed orange juice, silly banter of how much he loves her, and for that I feel so lucky. It's made her incredibly anxious over the past two weeks and she's been having some extra big feelings. She's only brought him up a handful of times. The most recent was last night. She talked about how she wants to go to a hotel again with me, her nana (my dad), her nani (my mom) and her Lala (my sister), and no one else. I'm trying to give her extra grace because this is someone she talked to every day up until two weeks ago, so I imagine, that, combined with staying at my parents house without him here has been extremely difficult for her. I've also been thinking about my mom a lot. They'll be married 47 years in September. I've talked about my parents marriage before on here, I'm not sure if the post is still up, but they really are best friends. They rely heavily on each other. My mom cannot do dishes, or drive more than 30 minutes to a destination, or do groceries, these are just a few examples of everyday things she's never done. I am not as far in to my marriage as my parents are, obviously, but I can say it's vastly different from what they made. Theirs isn't by any means perfect, but it is something beautiful that they built. They have a sense of togetherness I've never known. When I think about my mom, I think about God's infinite wisdom. My dad went to the hospital on my mom's last day of work. She had just retired, and he collapsed at the airport on their way to Umrah, on the first day of Ramadan. Earlier this year my dad had just sorted their finances after many, many, many years of struggling and debts, which is why my mom was finally able to retire. She wanted to spend more time with her grand kids. Now she'll be spending them in and out of the hospital for a long while it seems. I hope he knows how much I adore him, and miss him, and love him.

Baby Blues, Baby Clues

I had my baby. She is amazing. I know I'm biased because I made her, but I think she might be a genius. I don't think I understood love until I met her. It's been almost 6 months already. My days consist of breastfeeding, napping, changing diapers, and playing (repeat all 8 to 10 times). It doesn't sound like much, but it's incredibly tiring. 

Labour was indescribable.  I had a very short but intense birth experience. It was so painful that I really thought I might be dying. I didn't get an epidural. It's not that I didn't want it. I was planning to get it. I had the form filled in and ready to go, but they never got the opportunity to give it to me. I didn't even have the chance to change into a hospital gown. I gave birth in a pajama shirt and no pants. I went from feeling nothing to active labour instantly. The time from active labour to birth was only 3 hours. I feel lucky that it was short. I'm also very glad that I didn't actually have to go through with the induction process. I've heard it's unpleasant. I went in for an induction, but when they hooked me up to the monitors and checked my dilation they told me I didn't need it.

I definitely experienced some baby blues and post partum depression (PPD). It didn't hit me in the way I thought it would. I always thought PPD was not connecting with your child. I didn't realize that that's only one reason for PPD, and that there are many layers to it. I'm blessed in that I felt connected to her instantly. The way that PPD hit me was the constant feeling of failing. I just felt like I was failing her from the moment she was born. I still feel that way even though I'm trying my best. I had difficulty breastfeeding in the beginning. I thought the feeling of failing stemmed from that, but now we're exclusively breastfeeding, and I still feel that way. I just want the best for her, and I don't feel like I'm able to provide her with that. I see my therapist about it, sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. In the same way, some days are easier than others. 

I had a lot of anxiety while I was pregnant (my therapist helped a lot during this time). Someone told me that I can't allow myself to feel that way because it effects the baby. For all the pregnant women reading this who have also heard this, it's completely bull$h*t. Thank God, I have a very happy baby and I was completely miserable throughout my whole pregnancy. After the baby was born I was told the same thing, however it was easier to ignore, as I know that I must take care of myself physically and mentally in order to be able to properly care for my daughter. You're allowed to feel things, please don't let people guilt you into thinking otherwise.

Motherhood is hard. Especially when you don't have the right support. I went to stay with my parents and my husband took time off for the first six weeks, but it's incredible how alone you can be in a room full of people. My husband would initially change all the diapers, and I didn't have to cook and clean (because I was at my mother's), which was a huge help too, but I didn't feel supported. I get a lot of support now from my family which is helpful, but initially it was extremely lonely.

I think a lot of the problem is that the world simply does not work like it used to. It would be one thing if I had my village here with me (because it really does take a village), or if I had emotional and physical support around me, but none of that is the case. So most days I feel incredibly overwhelmed. If I had to rank it in terms of difficulty I would say that pregnancy was the hardest and loneliest, then post partum, then birth was the easiest part of it.

My daughter is perfect in every way, and I thank God everyday for her. I also thank God that I didn't have a boy, because as I often said while I was pregnant; I'm just glad I don't have to raise anyone's dusty son, not even my own. If having a baby opened my eyes to anything, it's to how incredibly useless and disappointing men are. 

I'm fairly certain I do not want anymore kids, even though my partner does, and despite what people say, I know I won't change my mind. I just don't think I have the needed support for one, so I can't imagine how strained it would become with two. I have some guilt with my decision because maybe Khadijah would want a sister, but I wouldn't be able to give her one. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there. 

I'll be posting candidly about motherhood, like all the (frustrating) unsolicited advice from others, childcare, and effects on relationships (friends, family, partner, and even with myself), to name a few topics. Follow along if you want, or don't, I don't really give a $h*t. 

This Is Thirty: What They Don't Tell You About Pregnancy

It happened. I'm pregnant. I'm extremely excited to meet my baby. We're not finding out the gender because I don't think it matters.

I'm in my last stretch now, and it has not been as glamorous as Hilary Duff makes it seem. To be honest, I never thought much about pregnancy despite wanting children. I thought a lot about giving birth and having a child, but I guess my mind skipped over pregnancy for the past 25 years. I feel like not much is said about pregnancy except about the "pregnancy glow" and how "beautiful" it is. I can confidently say, none of that is accurate. Being pregnant is not fun.

My mother-in-law talks a lot about how beautiful she felt when she was pregnant and is always talking about the "glow" I have, but I don't see it. I've also read online a lot about pregnant women never feeling more beautiful, and I have no idea what these people are talking about. It's been awful. 

At first, I felt really guilty about it. All I wanted was to be pregnant, and then it happened, and now I hate pregnancy. I just felt like I was being ungrateful, but with the help of my therapist, I reevaluated that frame of mind. I'm allowed to acknowledge that pregnancy sucks and still want a baby. I've compiled a list of things that I wish people talked about more so I was more informed about what I was getting myself into.

The First Trimester 

1. The Excessive Spit

Saliva everywhere. Constantly. It's called Ptyalism. Apparently, it's common to develop more spit because of your hormones and nausea. It's disgusting. You'll spend more time spitting than talking in the first trimester. When I wasn't vomiting, I was spitting. 

2. Morning Sickness Is Constant 

It's not just in the morning, and it's not just once or twice a day. I was vomiting six to seven times a day. In the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening. I had to keep barf bags near me constantly.

The Second Trimester

3. The Swelling

I mean we all saw Kim Kardashian pregnant, but I didn't think it was common or that it would happen to me. The swelling was so bad I couldn't wear shoes. I'm not sure if it was just because of the summer heat or the traveling back and forth from province to province, but it only lasted my second trimester. It made it very hard to move around. 

4. Body Image Issues

Or in my case, body regression. You know you're growing a baby, and you know you're going to get bigger; you're growing an entire human, but I just wasn't expecting to feel so awful about myself. I'm not sure if it was because I've struggled so much with my weight in the past or if it's just something normal that happens to a lot of pregnant women. It doesn't help that everyone is constantly commenting on your body. I'm still told that I don't look big which kind of makes me worry about my baby not being big enough. It also makes me feel worse because I've gained double the amount that I'm supposed to in my pregnancy. So, if the weights not going to my belly, where is it going?

5. Heartburn

Once the nausea and excessive spit stopped, the heartburn began and it only got worse the further along I got in my pregnancy. Even if I hadn't eaten in hours, I would wake up with the worst heartburn. I don't normally get heartburn so I'm not sure what is a normal level of pain, but some nights it would make me feel so sick I couldn't sleep for hours. The heartburn follows into the third trimester too, it doesn't just magically go away. Tums has really been my best friend throughout this pregnancy.

Third Trimester

6. Hip & Back Pain

I read about this being a pregnancy symptom. I expected the back pain, but the hip pain really caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting to wake up every night with some sort of pain in my leg and/or hip and have to walk around for a half-hour in the middle of the night to be capable of lying down again. The hip pain, in my opinion, is worse than the back pain. The back pain for me is constant, but when that hip pain comes, it's always with a vengeance. 

7. Exhaustion & Insomnia 

At the same time. I'm either sleeping for 12 hours straight or not sleeping at all. Don't even ask me why, it could be all the body pains, or the heartburn, or the anxiety. Who knows. 

All Trimesters 

8. The Isolation 

I wasn't kidding about Tums being my best friend, the loneliness is real. I'm not sure if it's just being pregnant in a pandemic or if this is common among most pregnant women, but it's incredibly isolating. It really feels like you're going through it on your own even if you have a great support system. The third trimester has been the worst for this, it might just be the excessive influx of hormones I've been getting. It could also be the disconnect I feel from everyone, or maybe it could be because I no longer feel like myself. I really don't know.

I think we should normalize hating pregnancy, but still loving our baby's. There are good things about pregnancy, like feeling the baby move around. It's wild. There's a whole person inside of me just waiting to come out. What a miracle. 

This is Thirty: Are Most of My Friends Liars?

Making a baby is hard. Why don't people talk about how hard it is to conceive more often? I have one friend who would openly talk about her struggles and her miscarriage. Other than that, a lot of my friend's apparently got pregnant "by accident". I even know some people who got pregnant on their honeymoon. Now that I'm trying to get pregnant, I feel like maybe they were all lying. 

I think back to the amount of "pregnancy scares" some people had and I laugh - like, you really thought it was that easy? Maybe for some women, it is. I once knew a woman who got pregnant with her first baby while on the pill, then got pregnant with her second baby while she was on the patch, and then decided to get an IUD since nothing else seemed to work. That's when she got pregnant with her youngest. She loves her kids, of course, but how on earth does that happen to the same person three times?

According to various sources1, you should try for about a year before consulting a fertility doctor. I get that we haven't been trying that long, but I feel like I should have been pregnant at least 2 or 3 months ago. I have an idea when my ovulation dates are but it just doesn't seem to be happening, I'm not sure if I should be worried.

I've been trying to follow the tips to help me get pregnant. Well, I've been eating better. I haven't really been exercising. I like walking, but I feel like it's too cold to go for walks at the moment. I remember once upon a time I used to be a gym junkie for like 6 years, but I stopped going basically because of my current job. The hours I worked and the commute basically killed my whole day. Now with the pandemic, all gyms are closed so I couldn't go even if I wanted to. I don't exercise, but I have been eating better. I've been eating all the recommended foods, although it also says to cut caffeine and relax which I just can't seem to do. It's recommended that you should get to your ideal weight before getting pregnant. I haven't dropped to my "ideal weight" but I'm not 215 again pounds so I'm really not too focused on that. 

My friends keep telling me "it'll happen when it happens". I'm sure it will, but it's not really helpful. A lot of my friends haven't experienced this yet (or never want to), or got pregnant very quickly/by accident. I know they're trying their best to be supportive but it's just frustrating. 

I've really just come to hate the questions about when we're planning to have kids. I'm just going to start responding with "actually, I'm trying and it's not working". I mean, it's better than the alternative question which is, why would you even want kids, especially in a time like this. But that sounds like another post for another time. 

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Robin Elise Weiss, PhD, MPH,  Dr.  Th

hanos Papathanasiou