Two Truths and a Lie

I knew this day would come. After I had my son, I had my tubes removed. I knew that physically, mentally, and financially, another child was not in the cards for me. I felt really good about the decision at the time, confident. I did it because I also knew that I would want more children, and that I simply do not have the capacity, in any form, to have them. A year has passed since my surgery, and suddenly, I want another baby. I always knew I wanted to be a mom. Even when I was a kid, that was all I wanted,to be a mother, and nothing else. I also knew I wanted a lot of kids. The number in my mind shifted between three and six, but I never liked the idea of four because it felt too conventional, or three because it didn’t feel like enough. I know I am very blessed to have two, but two truths can exist at the same time: I can be grateful for what I have, and I can mourn the children I won’t have. Sometimes I think about different choices I could have made, and how perhaps those choices might have put me in a position to have more children. But then I realize that my kids wouldn’t be my kids, they would be different kids, and that would be a tragedy of its own.